


Freeze You Out

by ailaikclarke



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anya & Lexa (The 100) Are Siblings, Bisexual Clarke Griffin, Clexa, Clexa child, Doctor Clarke, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, Lexa Lives
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2019-07-06 10:00:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 11,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15883776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ailaikclarke/pseuds/ailaikclarke
Summary: A terrible accident brings Clarke and Lexa, separated mothers, together after two years of silence.ORLexa Woods.Her wife.And Violet’s mother.Whom she hadn’t seen in two full years.For a second, Clarke forgot why she was there. She forgot about the terrifying accident that had brought her two-year-old daughter into an O.R and felt like those two years had never passed, and she was back to that last night with Lexa.All the screaming and the crying came back to her. All those harsh words and those promises of never seeing one another. The fire in Lexa’s eyes and the pain she felt in her chest when her heart was shattered by the person she loved the most. All the sleepless nights after Lexa had left and how big the bed felt once she was alone. The wedding ring hanging down her neck and the engagement ring in that black box still on her dresser. The pictures she had to hide in a box, together with all the letters and small gifts.





	1. The Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honour of Lexa still saving everyone's assess in the finale, here's my new Clexa story.

For a moment, just a moment, Clarke felt like nothing mattered anymore.

She was in the hospital, walking back and forth in the corridor next to the waiting room, a place she knew well enough.

The thing is that it was wrong.

She wasn’t supposed to be there.

Not as a mother.

She was a doctor, a great doctor, she’d talked to a lot of parents, a lot of relatives, a lot of significant others. And yet, she had never prepared to be the one doctors talked to.

Octavia and Raven were sitting in the waiting room, both with their heads hidden in their hands, but Clarke couldn’t even look at them. It made her feel like it was real.

Violet, her daughter, was in danger.

Her daughter’s life was in danger.

She knew she had capable doctors working on her, but it still felt wrong. She was so young and defenceless.

She stopped walking for a moment and closed her eyes. When she opened them, she saw something she wasn’t prepared to see.

Or rather, someone she wasn’t prepared to see.

Lexa Woods.

Her wife.

And Violet’s mother.

Whom she hadn’t seen in two full years.

For a second, Clarke forgot why she was there. She forgot about the terrifying accident that had brought her two-year-old daughter into an O.R and felt like those two years had never passed, and she was back to that last night with Lexa.

All the screaming and the crying came back to her. All those harsh words and those promises of never seeing one another. The fire in Lexa’s eyes and the pain she felt in her chest when her heart was shattered by the person she loved the most. All the sleepless nights after Lexa had left and how big the bed felt once she was alone. The wedding ring hanging down her neck and the engagement ring in that black box still on her dresser. The pictures she had to hide in a box, together with all the letters and small gifts.

_“I was eighteen when Lexa and I met.” Clarke sighed. “Eighteen.”_

_Octavia looked at her, unsure about how to respond._

_“Can you believe that I met the love of my life at eighteen and now I’m thirty and we’re separating?”_

_“Maybe she wasn’t the love of your life.” Octavia whispered._

_Clarke shook her head. “She is.”_

She shook her head, and she was back to that hospital corridor, Lexa was still running towards her and the fire in her eyes had turned into utter panic. Terror, maybe.

“What happened, where is she?” She said. “Is she okay? Can we see her?”

Her voice.

Clarke felt like she had forgotten what Lexa’s voice sounded like. Most importantly, she had forgotten how it made her feel.

She soon realized that she was frozen in place, unable to process what was going on. Thankfully, Octavia and Raven were both quickly by her side, explaining what had happened. She could only stare at Lexa, seeing all the emotions that went through her eyes. She could hear Octavia trying to explain about the car accident, but she couldn’t quite point out what she was actually saying.

Lexa was listening, trying hard not to cry. Once Octavia was done, Lexa turned her attention to Clarke.

Before either of them could say anything, one of Violet’s doctor walked up to them to update them on her conditions.

“She’s doing good, she’s strong.” He said. “She’s in post-op at the moment, the surgery went well. I’ll send a nurse to get you once they move her to the PICU, so that you can see her.”

Clarke felt relieved and could feel Lexa finally breathe beside her. “Thank you, Mason.”

“I’ll keep you posted if anything changes.” He said, before walking away.

Clarke took a deep breath before turning to Lexa. “I’m sorry.”

The first words Clarke had spoken to her ex-wife in two years were to apologize.

“You weren’t there, it’s not your fault.”

The first words Lexa had spoken to her ex-wife in two years were to reassure.

“I chose that stupid fucking babysitter, and now our baby is in surgery.” Clarke replied, her voice struggling to come out.

“She’ll be fine.” Lexa said. “He said she’s strong. We know she’s strong.”

Clarke had forgotten how calming Lexa’s voice was. “I know. I still feel like she shouldn’t be here.”

“But she is.” Lexa replied. “And we’ll have to deal with her being here.”

“You’re right.”

Lexa was the one taking a deep breath this time. “I hope my presence here won’t make you feel worse.”

Clarke shook her head. “I’m fine, it feels normal.”

She wasn’t lying, it did feel normal. It felt like Lexa had never left, like all those months of avoiding to see her had never happened. Clarke felt like she’d gone to sleep the prior night with Lexa by her side and had woken up with her wife still asleep next to her. She felt like they’d seen Violet taking her first steps together, and not via a video. She felt like all the anger, the disappointment, the pain… She felt like all those bad feelings were gone, replaced by some sort of tranquillity.

Lexa smiled slightly at her. “I feel the same. I thought my brain was playing tricks on me.”

Neither of them had noticed that Octavia and Raven weren’t there anymore.

“I have a favour to ask.” Clarke said after a while.

Lexa nodded. “Sure, go ahead.”

“Will you please sue the shit out of that damn babysitter?”

Lexa tried hard not to laugh. “I will.”

Together, they waited for the nurse to come and get them. Time seemed to be slowing down, and they were both getting restless. Seeing Violet was their main priority.

When the moment finally came they were excited and yet, scared to death. They quietly followed the nurse to where Violet was, both holding their breaths.

And then there she was.

She looked peaceful, courtesy of the anaesthetic, almost as if she was simply asleep.

Clarke and Lexa ran to her bed and grabbed both her hands.

“We’re here, baby girl.” Clarke whispered.

“We won’t leave you.”

 

 

 


	2. Time

“I hope it’s okay that I am the only one who came out, Clarke is still too distressed, it would be pointless to talk to her.” Lexa said, and the police officer nodded.

“We’re not here to question her, because we already know that she had no part in what happened.” He explained. “We’ve seen the tapes of doctor Griffin working while the accident was taking place and we need some sort of confirmation on your whereabouts.”

Lexa nodded. “I was out of town, I am working on a case that needed my presence in Los Angeles.”

“Do you have any proof?” The second officer asked. 

“I have my plane ticket.”

The officer nodded. “It should be enough.”

“Do you know what happened?” She asked.

Octavia had called her while she was in court, and she had walked out of work with seventeen missed calls. She had immediately called her back, knowing that something really bad had happened. Octavia told her that Katherine and Violet had been in an awful car crash and Lexa had called a taxi and cried the whole way to the airport while she tried to get a ticket back to San Francisco. Fortunately, a plane was set to leave one hour after she got to the airport, and it had felt like the longest wait of her life.

“The driver appeared to be drunk.” The officer explained. Lexa felt like she was going to kill Katherine with her own two hands. “She was driving to get some food and crashed the car against another one.”

“Any other injured?” She asked.

“Yes.” He said. “You know of course that we can’t disclose any personal information, but there were two more injured people if we count out your daughter and Katherine Mason.”

“It turns out that the babysitter had been drinking.” Lexa said once she walked back inside Violet’s room.

She had left to go talk to the two police officers who came to question them, telling Clarke she’d handle it. Clarke had felt grateful, knowing well enough that being forced to answer question she had no answers to would break her.

“I’m a fucking terrible mother.” Clarke whispered. “You should sue me, instead of Katherine.”

Lexa went back to sitting next to their daughter’s bed. “Katherine is my baby sitter as well.”

They wanted some sort of continuity for their daughter. After separating, Clarke and Lexa had seen a lawyer to discuss custody. Clarke had feared Lexa would find some way to get more time with Violet, but had realized soon enough that the brunette would never do anything to harm their daughter. After that meeting, they had stopped seeing one another. Abby, Anya, Octavia and Raven were in charge of driving Violet back and forth between Clarke and Lexa’s houses whenever Katherine couldn’t. It was a weird arrangement, but the only one that seemed to work flawlessly.

“I know.” Clarke whispered. “I was the one who chose her, though.”

Lexa sighed. “It’s not our fault. We trusted Katherine and we were wrong, but she was the one who did this and she’ll be the one paying for this.”

“Both our jobs came in handy during this time of crisis.” Clarke commented. “We can stay here overtime and we’ll be suing the shit out of that monster.”

Lexa smiled and then they were silent for a while. Being together did feel normal, but there was something that made it feel slightly weird.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something.” Lexa said.

Clarke looked up. “What was it?”

Lexa looked hesitant. “Do you think we can change our little arrangement?”

“How?”

“I think the arrangement we have is perfect. We get to spend the same amount of time with her while still being flexible.” Lexa said. “But Violet is growing up, and I really don’t want her to think that we hurt each other so much we can’t even bare to meet for five minutes.”

Clarke knew she was right. They had hurt each other in the past but, as she sat next to her intubated child, she felt like that pain meant nothing. Violet was growing up and understanding more about the world around her. “I feel the same way.”

Lexa’s eyes looked brighter. “Maybe I can bring her to your house myself, and you can take her back to my place when it’s time.”

_“The agreement is settled, then.” Lexa’s lawyer said._

_Clarke’s nodded. They shook their hands. Clarke and Lexa couldn’t even look at one another._

_“The arrangement will be starting this coming Monday and, until either of you feel the need to change, it won’t go modified.”_

_Clarke knew that they’re arrangement sucked._

_The arrangement itself was perfect, but the whole avoiding each other sucked. They had agreed on never seeing each other after their last meeting for the arrangement. Abby, Anya, Octavia and Raven were in charge of bringing Violet from Clarke’s house to Lexa’s, and the other way around._

Clarke nodded. “It seems right. She’ll benefit from this.”

“And maybe, when the time comes, we could institute some sort of Sunday lunch or something.”

Clarke took a deep breath. “When the time comes.”

They patiently waited for Violet to wake up. A few hours passed before they saw their little girl slowly opening her eyes.

“Violet, love, it’s mummy and mama. We’re here.” Clarke whispered.

Violet scratched her eyes and stared at them for a moment. She looked delighted at the sight. “Mummy, mama!”

Lexa smiled at her. “How are you feeling, darling?”

“Good.” Violet said. “My tummy hurts.”

“That’s because mummy’s friends had to fix it.” Lexa said. “You got hurt in an accident.”

“Tummy fixed?” Violet asked, looking hopeful.

Clarke nodded. “Yes, baby. Your tummy is all better now, but don’t touch it too much, or it’ll get messed up again.”

Violet caressed her stomach with one hand. “Gentle.”

“Yes, gentle.” Lexa replied. “Like when you touch Bentley.”

“Bentley the cat.” Violet said. “I’m tired.”

“You can sleep when you want, it’s late.” Clarke said. “We’ll be here when you wake up.”

When Lexa woke up the next morning, Clarke was gone and Violet was still sleeping.

 


	3. Blast From the Past

Clarke was talking to Mason, Violet’s doctor. They’d been working together for a while, and she knew how good he was. They were standing in front of Violet’s room, and Clarke would often look over and her daughter’s bed, to make sure that both Violet and Lexa were still sleeping.

“You reckon she’ll be okay?”

He nodded. “Considering she already woke up and everything’s good, you’ll get to take her home in two or three days.”

“Thank you, Mason.”

“Anytime.” He said. “Even though I hope it won’t be happening anymore.”

“Let’s hope not.” She smiled.

“How is it going with your ex?” He asked.

“She’s technically still my wife.“ She sighed. “It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. We were both scared to death and, suddenly, our painful past didn’t seem to matter anymore.”

“Do you think you’ll be going back to your usual arrangement once this is all over?”

Clarke shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah, I hope it is.” She said. “I should go back.”

“I’ll let you go, I’ll come see Violet later this morning.” He said. “Bye, Clarke.”

“Bye, Mason.”

She walked back to the room, where she found Lexa wide awake. “I wanted to talk to Mason.”

“Who’s Mason?” Lexa asked.

“Uh, doctor Martin.” Clarke explained. “Violet’s doctor. He said we can probably take her home in two or three days.”

Lexa nodded. “Did you get any sleep?”

“A bit, yes.” Clarke smiled. “I’m used to sleeping wherever I can.”

“I remember finding you asleep in front of the washing machine once.” Lexa commented.

Clarke tried hard not to laugh. “I remember. Med school was tough on me.”

Together, they decided to go get some breakfast in the cafeteria.

“How have you been?”

Clarke knew what Lexa meant. She wanted to know how the past two years had been.

“Mostly busy.” Clarke said. “Which was definitely good. How about you?”

“Anya says I’m  a mess and that she can’t stand me anymore.” Lexa smiled. “Well, she’s been saying so for like one year and a half, so I think I’m good.”

Clarke sighed. “I feel like you never left.”

“What?”

“When you got here last night, I couldn’t speak. I seemed to have forgotten how to talk. I felt frozen in place.” Clarke said. “I felt like I’d gone to bed the night before with you by my side.”

Lexa closed her eyes. “I know.”

“You know?”

The brunette nodded. “I do, yes. Fear for Violet was what kept me moving, but I looked into your eyes and got reminded why I fell for you all those years ago. It felt like an avalanche hitting me right in the face.”

“The first thing I thought about when I saw you was the night you left.”

_“You’re a fucking bitch and I can’t believe I married you!” Clarke screamed._

_“You married me because you were desperate.” Lexa yelled back. “And I married you because I was a damn alcoholic.”_

_“I wasn’t desperate! I loved you!”_

_“Loved. As in you already stopped loving me?”_

_“Why do you care?” Clarke spat. “I can’t do this anymore.”_

_“Why do I care? We have a child together, for fuck’s sake!”_

_“It doesn’t change how messed up we are.” Clarke sighed. “Is this what married life is like?”_

“It was so long ago, but it still feels fresh in my memory.” Lexa commented.

_“I’m leaving, I can’t fucking deal with you anymore.” Lexa said, her voice trembling._

_“You go, we can’t be together anymore.” Clarke snapped. “Have your lawyer call me about the custody arrangement.”_

_“I will, and then it’ll be over.”_

_“And I won’t have to see you ever again.” Clarke closed her eyes._

“We were both so harsh.”

“Sometimes I wonder why we stopped trying.” Lexa whispered.

Clarke nodded. “I think it was too painful. We tried, and tried, but it seemed like nothing was working out.”

“Do you reckon we got married too early?”

Clarke shook her head. “I think we stopped fighting. We had those terrible months with everything going to shit and we stopped working on us as a couple. I reckon we thought that us being together was adding problems to an already troubled life.”

This was what she’d been telling herself. It wasn’t their fault. Life had been awful, and marriage and turned out to be impossible.

Before Lexa could reply, Clarke’s phone went off.

“Octavia, hi.” Clarke said. “Yes, Mason said in two or three days. No he hasn’t talked about that date anymore. Yeah, she asked about you already. Between ten and eleven thirty. Sure. I’ll see you later, bye.”

Lexa was eyeing her curiously. “Is she coming?”

Clarke nodded. “Yeah, she said she’ll come by at ten and then Raven is coming later because she can’t leave work.”

“You didn’t tell me you were dating Mason.”

Clarke’s eyes widened in surprise. “I am what now? Ah, no, no, no, please no. Mason asked me on a date a few weeks back and I said no.”

“Why not? He seems nice.”

Clarke hesitated. “Does it matter why?”

Lexa shook her head. “I guess not.”

“You seem to forget that we’re technically still married.” Clarke commented. “Separated, but still married.”

 

 


	4. Easier

Octavia was watching Violet sleeping on her bed.

“So, how has it been?”

Clarke sighed. “She’s good. Mason looked hopeful, and everything looks really good.”

“You know what I mean.”

Clarke looked at her. “Lexa?”

Octavia nodded, unable to keep her eyes off the sleeping child.

“We talked earlier this morning as we were having breakfast.” Clarke explained. “We talked about the night she left and discussed why we stopped trying.”

Octavia looked surprised. “Already? I figured it’ll happen eventually, but definitely not on day two.”

“I reckon Violet’s apparent dangerous situation made the both of us go a bit crazy.” Clarke said. “We decided to stop with this not seeing the other bullshit.”

The brunette’s eyes widened in surprise. “And why is that?”

“Because we don’t want Violet to think that we’re monsters who hate each other.”

Octavia nodded. “It makes sense.”

“We both think that seeing that we can still get along together even though we’re divorcing is going to benefit her in the long run.” Clarke explained.

“How do you think that this is going to affect you?”

Clarke shrugged. “I hope it won’t be too painful.”

“Has it been painful?”

Clarke shook her head. “I probably have been too immersed in Violet’s health to actually realize that I shared a chocolate chip muffin with my soon to be ex-wife this morning.”

“I mean, Violet was only seven months when you got separated.” Octavia said. “She’s now almost three.”

“I think trouble began when I was still pregnant.” Clarke whispered.

“It did.” Octavia nodded. “Anya’s sickness was what jumpstarted the fall of your marriage.”

_Lexa was pacing back and forth. “Something happened.”_

_Clarke walked closer to her. “She said it’s a check-up.”_

_Lexa shook her head. “Anya doesn’t do check-ups. Something’s wrong.”_

_Clarke wrapped her arms around her wife. “She’ll be okay.”_

_Lexa turned around and freed herself from Clarke’s grip. She looked at the blonde’s belly, smiling softly at the sight. “This baby is going to change our life.”_

_Later that night, Anya called and asked the two of them if they could have dinner together. Lexa had agreed, scared to know what the doctors had told her sister. She kept insisting that something was wrong, with Clarke silently hoping for a clean bill of health._

_That night, Anya told them that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and Lexa squeezed Clarke’s hand so hard they both feared it might get broken. Clarke swore she had heard Lexa’s heart shatter into a million pieces._

“I still remember when Anya told me she was in remission.” Clarke said. “I felt so happy I actually cried and she was so confused.”

“You know Anya believes that feelings are weird.” Octavia smiled. “I remember how you would pay attention to how she looked like and she’d talk to you a lot about treatments and stuff.”

“I would often go to her appointments when Lexa couldn’t.” Clarke whispered. “It’s weird to think how connected Lexa and I still were even though we never saw each other.”

Octavia nodded. “I think it’s what made it easier for the two of you to remain separated for this long. You never had to wonder what was going on in Lexa’s life, because one of us would tell you. I mean, Anya’s her sister, and I still play soccer with her a couple of times a week.”

“I think we never really left the other.” Clarke said, looking at her daughter.

Violet looked peaceful, and it made Clarke feel calm.

“I don’t think you could have, considering you have Violet.” Octavia commented. “I know the pain was too much to handle and everything got butchered at the same time, but you remained connected regardless.”

“She’s always been inevitable to me.” Clarke whispered.

“When is she coming back?”

Clarke shrugged. “She was on the phone with a client, I don’t really know how much time it could take her.”

When Lexa did come back, Clarke was gone. Octavia explained she had taken a few minutes to go see a patient she’d been working with for the past two years.

“Can I be honest?” Lexa whispered after a while.

Octavia nodded. How painful is it?”

“Extremely.” Lexa sighed. “Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe properly. Now, she’s gone, I know for sure that the moment I see her walking back here I’ll feel like I’m going to pass out.”

“Out of pain or out of remorse? Regret?”

Lexa took a deep breath. “All of the above. Pain because being apart feels like I left my heart somewhere and I have to live without it. Remorse because I could have been a better wife. Regret because we should have kept fighting.”

“You couldn’t take it anymore.” Octavia said, softly. “It’s okay to give up sometimes.”

“I still wonder how we managed to never see each other in two years. You’re her best friend and play soccer with me every other day. Anya and Raven are my sister and her other best friend and are together.” Lexa commented.

“It was out of pain.” Octavia replied.

Lexa sighed. “I think it was out of fear. I knew that seeing her again would make all these bloody feelings come back to the surface.”


	5. Necklace

They were taking Violet home.

“I remember when we brought her home when she was born.” Lexa whispered.

Clarke nodded, smiling at the thought. “She was so tiny.”

_Violet’s birth had been a mess._

_Labour had lasted thirty-two hours and Clarke was exhausted._

_Lexa had been drinking coffee to keep herself awake, not willing to leave Clarke’s side. The blonde had been screaming for hours, desperate for a change, hoping for a safe birth._

_When she was finally ready to push, Clarke was afraid she’d pass out and fail at her first duty as a mother: bringing her child into this world._

_She feared Violet would suffer and die._

_She feared Violet would suffocate and die._

_She pushed once, screaming as loud as she could._

_She pushed twice, squeezing Lexa’s hand._

_She pushed a third time, finally hearing the words “she’s almost here.”_

_She pushed a fourth time, and watched Lexa tearing up._

_She pushed a fifth time, and a cry filled the room._

_Lexa got to cut the cord linking Violet to Clarke, and cried as she watched their daughter being cleaned and then handed to Clarke._

_They got to be happy for a few weeks before hell started back up._

“She’s growing up to look more and more like you.” Lexa said, a bittersweet note to her tone.

Clarke knew Lexa was speaking the truth. “Was it ever hard?”

“What?”

“Looking at her and seeing me.”

Lexa looked at their sleeping daughter. She had Clarke’s facial features, with the same round face and gentle chin. Her hair, blond with darker roots, looked exactly like her mother’s, only slightly shorter. The only thing that was different were Hazel’s eyes. When she was born, she had greyish eyes. She grew up to sport a pair of forest green eyes, which looked terribly similar to Lexa’s.

“Sometimes.”

“It was hard for me, too.” Clarke admitted. “Her eyes… Her eyes look just like yours.”

Sometimes she’d stare at Violet and see Lexa. It was hard. Hard to feel pain when she looked at her daughter. Hard to feel her heart clench when her daughter smiled at her.

“People keep telling me that they do.” Lexa replied.

“We did a good job with that donor.” Clarke smiled. “She looks like the perfect mix between us.”

“She’s perfect.” Lexa whispered.

“She really is.” Clarke whispered back. “And we get to take her home once she wakes up.”

“Your place?”

Clarke checked her phone. “It’s Wednesday.”

“Oh, sorry, being in here made me all weird.” Lexa smiled, blushing slightly. “My place it is, then.”

Clarke nodded. “I can relate.”

“I know you probably don’t want to leave her, so we can maybe have dinner together tonight?”

Lexa was hesitant.

One of the things Clarke loved the most about Lexa.

How she looked badass most of the time, but looked hesitant whenever asking her risky questions. She felt pleased to see that things hadn’t changed in the many years they’d known each other. “Sure.”

Lexa looked instantly happier. “Great. Chinese take-away it is, then.”

“You know me.”

Lexa nodded.

She did.

She knew Clarke, like nobody else did. They’d spent almost two years apart, but she knew who Clarke was. She knew what she liked. She knew what she despised. She knew everything about her, even the things Clarke tried so desperately to hide.

Violet seemed to enjoy seeing her mothers together. She’d never seen them together, not that she could remember, and she thought it was normal for them to be separated at all costs. She enjoyed walking hand in hand with the both of them, having either of them pick her up, playing with them. They drove together to Lexa’s house, with Clarke sitting in the back with Violet, and Lexa driving. Clarke had never seen Lexa’s place and was surprised at how perfect it was for her soon to be ex-wife.

Lexa had bought a small house not too far from the house they once shared. It had a small garden with a garage in the front and a much bigger yard in the back, with a tree house and a pool. The inside looked modern, with three bedrooms and two bathrooms, a large open space kitchen with a dining room and a big living room. The colour scheme was Lexa’s favourite: black and white. When they got to the house, Violet rushed to her bedroom, leaving the two of them alone.

“This place is so you.” Clarke commented. “You have more plants than glasses.”

“It would be a shame if I had more glasses than plants.” Lexa said. “I also have one of your paintings.”

“You do?” Clarke asked, surprised.

“Maybe you should see Violet’s bedroom.” Lexa said.

Clarke nodded and followed the brunette upstairs. She wasn’t sure what she expected, the only thing she knew was that Violet had a lot of toys, even though they never seemed enough.

They walked inside and there it was.

Lexa’s favourite painting of Clarke’s.

She remembered it like she’d made it yesterday, even though they were both still undergraduates when she did. Clarke had made many paintings after that one, but Lexa always insisted that it was her favourite. She had used a picture of the sunset they took on their trip together to Hawaii as reference.

“You kept that?”

She remembered Lexa taking it with her stuff, and she had figured she’d kept it to burn it in some sort of post-divorce ritual.

“You know it’s my favourite.”

Clarke nodded. “I thought you’d destroy it.”

“I took it to keep it.” Lexa commented. “I felt like it belonged in Violet’s bedroom.”

Clarke smiled. “Together with our wedding photo.”

Lexa nodded. “I have… Many things. Most of them are hidden away, but the painting and that picture are still out.”

Clarke took a deep breath before showing Lexa her necklace. It was a thin silver band, with her wedding ring hanging in the middle. She shrugged, and then watched Lexa reaching for something on her own neck.

She was wearing a similar necklace, with the same ring, and Clarke felt like they made a huge mistake.


	6. Back to You

“So it was weird.” Anya said.

Lexa shook her head. “Not weird, it was… Weird, yes, it was weird.”

“Can you please tell me more?”

“I mean, I showed her Violet’s bedroom, she saw the painting and the picture.” Lexa explained. “Then she showed me she still wears her wedding ring on a necklace and I showed her mine.”

“You guys are weird.”

“I think we made a mistake.” Lexa whispered.

“Lexa, I honestly believe your love survived what the two of you couldn’t handle anymore.”

_Violet was only three weeks old when her grandmother almost died. Abby was in a really bad car crash on her way to work one night, which resulted in six surgeries and almost four weeks in a coma. Clarke feared her mother would wake up with grave consequences. Lexa was afraid she’d never wake up. Clarke found it hard to handle being a new mother while having to be by her own mother’s side. Lexa was trying hard to be the perfect mother for Violet, while being by Anya’s side whenever she had treatments or check-ups at the hospital, on top of being there for her wife and Abby._

_Clarke tried to be a good wife._

_Lexa tried to be a good wife._

_Clarke tried to be a good daughter._

_Lexa tried to be a good sister._

_They both tried to be amazing mothers._

Lexa sighed. “There were so many things happening at the same time, it felt like a tunnel with no end.”

“It got complicated.” Anya commented. “You tried, and failed. Maybe it wasn’t your time.”

“What if our time is now?”

“What if it isn’t and you’re simply feeling nostalgic?”

Lexa thought about it for a second. She hadn’t seen Clarke in almost two years, often thinking about her on her lonely nights, trying to ask questions about her without seeming too obvious. “I think she feels the same.”

She could see it in her eyes. Clarke did feel the same. She, too, wondered whether they’d made a mistake or not. Was it too late?

“Talk to her about it, then.” Anya commented. “Beware, though. It might bring back a lot of the pain you’re trying hard to forget.”

The last months of Clarke and Lexa’s marriage had been hell.  
They stopped having conversations and replaced the endless nights spent together talking about life with nights spent separated in their own house hearing the other one crying. They forgot their habit of watching a movie together cuddled up in bed and began sleeping in different bedrooms, unable to cope with the hole that had formed between them. They went from laughing while doing the dishes together to throwing glasses at one another. One morning they were sharing pancakes, the next they were sharing sorrow.

 The months following were even worse.   
Lexa had to take all her belongings and move into a different house, knowing well enough that the happy days in the house number 1222 were over, forever. The first nights felt endless, even though she hadn’t slept next to Clarke in months. She still woke up and made coffee for Clarke, realizing too late that the blonde was probably sighing upon waking up to an empty kitchen. She felt weird after weeks of not waking up in the middle of the night because Clarke had a night shift or was coming back from an emergency consult.

“What are two years of pain to a lifetime of happiness?” Lexa asked.

Anya looked at her. She knew that her sister was hopelessly romantic, and feared it might be the cause of her destruction. “Be pragmatic. Talk to her. See what she says. Act on that.”

“Pragmatic.”

Anya nodded. “Stop dreaming. Life isn’t a novel. Not everyone gets a happy ending.”

“Not everyone gets a happy ending.” Lexa repeated. “Maybe we do.”

Anya nodded. “Call her, go to her, whatever. Just do your thing.”

“Can you watch Violet?” Lexa asked and Anya nodded. “She should be sleeping for one more hour.”

Without thinking about it twice, Lexa grabbed her car keys and drove to Clarke’s house. She was shaking, not sure about what to tell her, unable to foresee what her ex-wife would say, or even how she’d react. She parked in the driveway, right behind Clarke’s Land Rover, right where she used to park her car when they were still together.

She stood in front of the door for a full minute, taking deep breaths, and then forced herself to ring the bell. Clarke answered a few moments later, looking a bit worried.

“Hey, is everything okay?”

Lexa nodded. “I needed to talk to you.”

Clarke looked surprised. Lexa knew for sure the blonde had the same thing in mind.

Clarke was doubting their divorce, probably as much as she was. “Come in.”

Lexa followed her inside. It was the first time she’d been in their once shared house since the night she moved out. It looked the exact same, and Lexa felt surprised when she noticed that the black wall full of pictures hadn’t changed much, except for new pictures appearing. “I’m not the only one keeping pictures, then.”

Clarke smiled. “No. You know I love pictures.”

“I remember you asking me to take a thousand pictures anywhere we went.”

Clarke feared what was going to happen when Lexa would find the strength to be honest. “Is everything okay?”

“Clarke, we made a mistake.” Lexa blurted out.

Clarke looked stunned. There was no context, Lexa had been pretty vague, but Clarke knew. “When?”

“When I left.” Lexa clarified. “It was a mistake. We should have kept fighting. For us, for Violet.”

Clarke sighed. “You know we didn’t give up, it simply wasn’t fair for the two of us to keep fighting like that.”

Lexa was taken aback. “You’re okay with all that?”

“Of course I’m not okay with that.” Clarke hesitated. “I wasn’t okay with it even when it happened.”

_“You’re the love of my life.”_

_Lexa looked angry. “Don’t say that.”_

_“You are, though.”_

_Lexa walked closer to Clarke. “We’re done. There’s no more fighting left in me, I can’t do this anymore. And neither can you.”_

_Clarke swallowed hard. “Do you still love me?”_

_“I don’t.”_

_Lexa swore she could hear her own heart breaking in her chest as she pronounced those words._

“We were wrong, we were always wrong.” Lexa whispered. “This is our time, I still love you, Clarke.”

Clarke nodded. “I know you do. I knew the moment you walked into that hospital and looked at me. I just knew.”

“I know we chose this life because we both needed to survive somehow. I am tired of merely surviving.”

Clarke knew she was right.

Everything Lexa had said made sense. It described how she’d felt for the previous two years. Feeling alive whenever she’d hold Violet, but living everyday of her life knowing that she was drowning, grasping for air, trying hard to survive when she was meant to live.

“Maybe life should be about more than just surviving.” She said. “Don’t we deserve better than that?”

Lexa took a step forward. “Maybe we do.”


	7. I'm Not Running Again

It was gentle at first, hesitant.

It then became hungrier, more passionate.

A touch yearned for, never forgotten. Lexa’s hands on Clarke’s cheeks, the blonde’s right hand on her ex-wife’s back.

A step back. A sharp inhale. A whisper. “We can’t.”

“We can.”

Clarke smiled, but Lexa could see the tears forming in her eyes. “We broke up because we didn’t know how to be together when life got tough.”

Lexa sighed, covering her mouth with her hand. “Life wasn’t tough, Clarke. Life was fucking terrible at that point.”

_Anya’s illness._

_Abby’s accident._

_It felt like it was never enough._

_Clarke had lost six patients in ten days._

_Six children had lost their lives under her care._

_Six sets of parents had lost their child because of her._

_She felt helpless, thinking she might have chosen the wrong path._

_She got angry. Lost all of her joy. Walked around like nothing mattered, only finding solace when Violet was in her arms. Feeling happy exclusively when her daughter smiled at her. Crying alone in the bathroom at night, feeling like she’d lost everything she’d worked for._

_Lexa tried to be there for her. She brought her flowers, made her breakfast in bed. She tried. She tried all those small things she sometimes forgot to do for her wife, feeling the need to let Clarke know that she was there._

_Clarke got angrier. Shouting obscenities at Lexa for every little thing. Apologizing at the beginning, then forgetting the word sorry altogether._

“We gave up.”

Lexa shook her head. “We didn’t give up. I never gave up.”

For the first time since the kiss, Clarke looked at her. “It seems to me like we did. We were fighting every moment we were together, we stopped communicating like decent human beings and only opened our mouths to yell at each other.”

“You were the one saying that we didn’t give up, what changed?” Lexa felt like they were getting further apart. “Why are you making excuses?”

“Why am I making excuses?” Clarke hesitated. “Do you think that getting my heart shattered was fun?”

“I know it wasn’t, because mine was broken too.” Lexa replied. “Before I kissed you, you said that you’re not okay with how we left things, and now you’re rejecting me.”

Clarke looked at her for a moment and, before she knew it, she was bawling and feeling like her knees were going to give in. Lexa was stunned for a second before rushing by her side, helping Clarke sitting down.

The blonde was crying so hard it was hard for her to breathe. Next to her, Lexa was breathing slowly. “You’re okay, breathe in, breathe out.”

“Everything came back.” Clarke chocked out. “You kissed me and I felt like you never left.”

Lexa didn’t know what to say.

“You kissed me and everything disappeared for a moment. All the screaming, the tears, the pain, the sleepless nights. Everything was gone.” Clarke breathed hard. “I forgot how painful it was to let you go, how draining life without you feels, how exhausting sawing a broken heart can be.”

Lexa felt like nothing would make sense at that point.

“I can’t go through that again. I can’t. I still haven’t finished healing.” Clarke sighed. “I can’t give you my heart knowing how painful it was to see it get crushed. I just can’t.”

Lexa knew that Clarke was right. “I know.”

Clarke looked visibly relaxed, even though she was still crying softly. “Our divorce wasn’t your fault, as much as it wasn’t mine.”

“I know.”

“It happened, though.” Clarke said. “And it broke me, and it broke you too. Are you willing to take the risk? Are you willing to dive into this knowing what kind of pain it might possibly bring?”

Lexa closed her eyes. “The truth is that the months prior to our divorce were hard, but I’d do them a thousand times over if it meant being with you. The time we spent apart was far worse than the nights spent screaming.”

Clarke got up, walking away from where Lexa was standing. She faced the kitchen, giving her back to Lexa. “I spent the first night looking over Violet. Scared something might take her away from me. I spent the whole night crying, with my cheeks never going back to being dry. In the morning, my eyes were burning so much I felt like they were on fire. I walked back and forth, looking at the spare bedroom, where you used to sleep. It was empty, it felt empty, and it made me feel lost. I don’t think I knew what it was going to be like, not until we met one last time with our lawyers.”

Lexa was listening, curious to see where Clarke was going with her speech.

“That night was even worse. Violet was with you, and I cried myself to sleep. I knew that she was my strength, the only thing keeping me afloat. With her gone, I realized I couldn’t breathe.” Clarke sighed. “I spent the next two years waiting for this moment. Waiting for you to come back to me, to tell me that you still loved me, to tell me that we made a mistake.”

“I just did that.” Lexa whispered.

“You did.” Clarke nodded, turning around. “And I can’t let you go.”

“I’m not running again.” Lexa said, walking closer. “I’m not leaving you again.”

Clarke took a step forward. “I never gave up. I forced myself to stop loving you, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.”

“We didn’t give up.” Lexa said, taking the last step to meet Clarke. “We didn’t give up.”

Their hands were touching. A light, gentle touch. Fingertips grazing hands, eyes closed, hearts beating fast. Clarke’s arms were soon around Lexa’s neck. Lexa felt like they were finally close enough the moment she held Clarke close to her chest.

They stood tangled for a long time, feeling like their physical connection was the only thing keeping the both of them alive. Clarke had her face buried in the crook of Lexa’s neck, breathing her in. Lexa had closed her eyes, feeling the need to fully live in the moment.

 

 

 


	8. Then I'm Happy Too

“This feels unreal.” Clarke whispered. “I’ve been dreaming about this since you left. I’ve been imagining us being together again. I would often try to remember what your touch felt like, and how your lips felt on mine.”

Lexa smiled. “I hope it doesn’t turn out to be a dream. I’d be very disappointed.”

“Me too.” Clarke smiled back.

“I should go back.” Lexa whispered. “My sister is looking after Violet.”

Clarke hesitated. “Can I come with you?”

Lexa nodded. “Of course.”

Together, they walked to Lexa’s car. The brunette drove silently back to her house, feeling like she was living a dream.

Driving to her house with Clarke by her side.

A moment she’d missed many times before, even though it had never happened.

“We kissed.” Clarke whispered.

“We did.” Lexa nodded. “Already regretting it?”

Clarke shook her head. “I wish we would have done it earlier.”

“Me too.” Lexa admitted.

“I’m still scared.”

“I feel like, whatever happens, we’ll never give up.” Lexa said as she parked the car in her garage. “We know what being apart feels like, and we won’t let life do that to us anymore.”

Before Lexa could get out of the car, Clarke grabbed her by the arm and kissed her again. “Promise me we won’t.”

“I promise.”

Together, they walked to the entrance. Lexa took out her keys and unlocked the door, finding Anya on the couch with Violet. They were watching Finding Nemo, Violet’s favourite movie, while eating grapes.

“We’re back.”

Anya looked at them for a while. “Well, that’s a sight I missed.”

“Mama, mummy!” Violet yelled, getting up and running to hug them. She crashed into their legs, wrapping her little arms around them. The both of the crouched to meet her, but Lexa didn’t miss the flash of Anya’s phone going off as she took a picture of the newly found family.

“We are watching Nemo.” Violet said. “And eating grapes.”

“Why does that not surprise me?” Clarke asked, smiling at the little girl.

“I love grapes.” Violet whispered.

“I wonder who you got that from.” Clarke said, eying Lexa.

“I’m guessing it went well.” Anya commented from the couch.

“Come help me in the kitchen.” Lexa said, looking at her sister.

Anya got up, smiling playfully.

“Clarke, you should eat some grapes, if the little one left you any.” Lexa said, looking doubtful.

“I might be lucky and get one.” Clarke replied. “You go do your sister thing, we’ll be here.”

Clarke picked Violet up and brought her back to the couch, resuming Violet’s little movie night. She thought about the previous hour, when she got to kiss her ex-wife once more, when she got to hold her, when she got to open up her heart and tell her everything she was yearning to tell her.

She thought about the tears they’d shared together, and the tears she had shed alone after the divorce. She thought about the words they’d spoken, and the thoughts she had had alone during sleepless nights. She thought about Lexa’s gaze, and about how she missed it in her darker days.

“Mummy, are you sad?” Violet asked, tugging at her arm.

Clarke shook her head. She’d been crying the whole time, and Violet had noticed the tears streaming down her face.

_“Mummy, are you sad?”_

_Clarke wiped away the tears from her face. “No, love, I’m okay.”_

_Violet shook her head. “Mummies sad too. It’s okay.”_

_It wasn’t okay. It hadn’t been okay for such a long time, Clarke had forgotten what being okay actually meant. Violet walked closer to her, extending her little arms. “Up.”_

_Clarke did as told, picking her up and holding her close to her chest. “You’re my greatest treasure, Violet, I love you so much.”_

_“Why crying?”_

_Clarke closed her eyes for a second. “Today used to be a very special day, that made me so happy I sang in the morning while making breakfast.”_

_“Now sad day?”_

_Clarke put her down on the couch, sitting next to her. “Sometimes, days that used to be happy change and turn into really bad days that can be painful, do you understand?”_

_Violet nodded. “Yes.”_

_“So, today, I woke up feeling like I should sing while making coffee, but then I remembered that it’s not a happy day anymore.”_

_Violet seemed concentrated in what she was thinking. “Mama was crying today, too.”_

“These are happy tears, my love.” Clarke said, looking at her.

Violet smiled. “Then I’m happy too.”


	9. Under the Stars

_“Why?”_

_Clarke closed her eyes, knowing well enough that she had no way of answering that simple, yet haunting, question. “I don’t know.”_

_“Haven’t we suffered enough?” Lexa asked. “We had a baby almost seven months ago and life’s supposed to be full of happy moments. We both should be too tired to even talk in the morning because we spent the night feeding and changing her. That should be our main problem.”_

_Clarke nodded. “It should, love. I’m sorry.”_

_Lexa closed her eyes, revealing a tear that was trying to escape. “You haven’t called me love in months.”_

_Clarke sighed. “It slipped out.”_

_“I missed it.” Lexa whispered. “I missed this feeling of calmness as well.”_

_“Me too.” Clarke agreed. “I’m so tired of yelling all the time.”_

_“Where do you think we went wrong?”_

_Clarke wished she could tell her they were salvageable. “I think we’re not strong enough to be together. Not right now. Things might change in the future, but we’re only damaging what’s left of us by staying together.”_

_“At least we got this night of peace.” Lexa commented. “Of course we spent it watching the stars in our backyard.”_

_“Maybe we’ll wake up in the morning and be okay.” Clarke said. “Maybe we’ll wake up in the morning and stop suffering.”_

_The truth was that Clarke was hoping she’d wake up and find out that Lexa still loved her._

Lexa was stubbornly cutting up tomatoes as Anya showered her with questions. “Please, answer me.”

“You’re being annoying.”

Anya shrugged. “Just tell me what happened.”

“We talked.” Lexa said. “She said she’s scared we’re going to crush each other once again, I said I’m scared too, then we kissed.”

“You what?” Anya yelled.

Lexa could hear Clarke laughing from the other room.

“We kissed.” Lexa repeated.

“That’s my sister!” Anya laughed. “That’s good, right?”

Lexa nodded. “It’s really good. I feel like we missed so much, but we have so much time to spend together now.”

“Have you actually talked about what to do?”

Lexa shrugged. “I guess we can do that tomorrow night, we’ve had enough emotional moments for today.”

“But you’re back together.”

“I mean.” Lexa sighed. “I don’t know. We just… Reconnected.”

“That sounds like you had sex.” Anya smirked at her younger sister.

“We did not.”

“Sure.”

“We did not have sex.”

“Yep, no sex.” Clarke said, casually walking in.

Anya laughed so hard she almost dropped the knife she was holding. “This is why I love Clarke.”

“Don’t encourage her.” Lexa sighed.

“Who?” Anya and Clarke both said.

Lexa took a deep breath. “The reason why I’m going to die at a young age? The two of you together.”

“I know you missed the two of us together.”

Lexa shook her head, looking terrified. “I did not.”

“Violet fell asleep.” Clarke commented. “Which is to be expected considering what she went through.”

“And I think I’m going to leave now.” Anya said. “Raven is going to be back from work soon.”

Clarke looked dubious. “Is she, though?”

“She’s not.” Anya replied. “She should close up at seven, but she’s usually there until who knows when.”

“The usual Raven.”

“I’m going home anyways, I wouldn’t want to be here when the two of you finally bone.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “You’re annoying.”

“You love me.”

“Only because I have to!” Lexa smiled.

Anya left, leaving the two of them alone, once again.

“I feel like we should talk, but I also think we’ve talked enough to last us a lifetime.”

“We haven’t talked in two years.” Clarke nodded. “Do you remember the last night we spent looking at the stars?”

“Yes.” Lexa replied. “It was a week before I left.”

“I had been feeling like I had lost everything, but that night made me feel hopeful.” Clarke commented. “I remember talking about life’s unfairness and ending up having sex and sleeping together for the last time.”

“You told me you had forgotten what my naked skin felt like.”

Clarke breathed hard. “I remember feeling like I was starving.”

“I remember waking up early the next morning and you were gone.” Lexa replied. “I felt empty, and we went back to constantly yelling at each other.”

Clarke closed her eyes. “I woke up before you did and went hiding in my office because I started crying the moment I saw you next to me.”

“Why?”

“Because I was aware that it was the last time.”


	10. Fucking Finally

Clarke left before Violet woke up. She knew the child wouldn’t let her go if she found her still there. She’d asked both Octavia and Raven to come to her house for dinner, so that she could talk to them and explain what had happened with Lexa.

She was sure Raven already knew that they had kissed, and wondered how excited Anya had sounded when talking to her about it.

Octavia was the first one to arrive, a bag of Chinese food in hand. “I brought food.”

Clarke smiled at her, inviting her in. They sat in the living room, waiting for Raven. The older girl was always slightly late whenever they made plans, but it didn’t bother them too much. Raven got there a few minutes later, holding two bottles of wine.

“I figured you’d want to drink.” She said, walking past Clarke. “I didn’t bring anything harder because you have your fair share of spirits in that magic cabinet of yours.”

They moved to the kitchen and started eating, with Octavia and Raven with their eyes on Clarke.

“Anya told me you were going to tell us something spectacular, but that she didn’t want to ruin the surprise.” Raven said while biting down on a spring roll.

“I guess I am.” Clarke whispered. She took a bite of her fried chicken, and avoided looking at them.

“Do we need to beg or are you telling us?”

“Lexa and I kissed.”

Octavia gasped, almost chocking on her rice. Raven was staring at her, with her eyes wide open.

“You what?” Octavia asked, still coughing.

“She came to see me and told me she thought we made a mistake.” Clarke explained. “I was hesitant and told her I was scared we might get hurt again.”

“This is a dream coming true.” Raven said.

“She told me we know what being apart feels like and that she’s sure whatever happens won’t make us feel the need to be apart ever again.” Clarke continued. “I know she’s right.”

“And you kissed.”

“We kissed.”

Raven took a deep breath. “Fucking finally.”

“How are you feeling?” Octavia asked, nudging Raven in the ribs.

“I’m okay.” Clarke whispered. “Wary, but okay. We haven’t really talked yet, but I feel good.”

Octavia nodded. “This could be really good.”

“Be careful, though.” Raven commented.

“I think we both got burnt pretty hard when it all happened.” Clarke said. “I’m pretty sure we’re going to be careful. Cautious.”

“That’s good.” Octavia replied. “What about Violet? Does she know?”

Clarke shook her head. “She saw us together, but she doesn’t know what happened. We’ll have to talk about her as well.”

Raven smiled. “I’m sure she was happy of finally having the two of you together.”

“I don’t think she understands that there’s something different.” Clarke explained. “She’s overjoyed of having both of us in the same room, but I reckon she doesn’t know that we couldn’t be in the same one before.”

“I guess it doesn’t matter.” Octavia pointed out. “Not if whatever is going on makes her happy.”

“She’s a smart child.” Clarke said.

“But did you fuck?” Raven asked, after a minute of silence.

Clarke closed her eyes. “Nope.”

“That’s a shame.”

“And I still wonder why you’re with Anya.” Clarke laughed. “She asked the same thing to Lexa.”

“My soulmate.” Raven smiled.

“Let’s thank the stars that they don’t have children together.”

Clarke nodded. “Poor creatures.”

“I mean, you and Lexa made a wonderful little baby.” Raven commented. “Octavia and Lincoln’s tiny one is going to be insanely cute. There’s always time. We’re still young.”

“I thought you didn’t want kids.” Octavia said. “And, yes, Lincoln and I will be having the cutest child alive. Only five more weeks to go before we get to meet him.”

“I don’t.” Raven replied. “Not at the moment. Things might change, though.”

“They might.” Clarke whispered.

_Violet was two months old when Lexa’s father died._

_He’d been a mess since Lexa could remember, treating his whole family like garbage._

_Lexa didn’t cry when her mother called her with the news, and Clarke realized she’d been expecting that call for months. Among the terrible things that had happened to them, Titus’ death looked insignificant._

_The funeral was short and with only a few people present. Anya and Lexa were standing next to their mother, who looked unfazed. They had been divorced for years, and he had stated many times that having children together was a mistake. She had remarried, finding a man who knew how to love her and respect her. Both Anya and Lexa loved him to pieces, and Lexa had admitted several times to see him more as a father figure, rather than her actual father._

_What really struck her was her stepfather’s health’s sudden deterioration and consequent death._

 

 


	11. Nineteen Again

They were staring at each other, unable to speak.  
Violet was with Anya and Raven, who offered to look after her while her mothers talked. The truth was that they didn’t know what to talk about. Everything felt like a dream, and they both feared that talking about it would make it disappear in thin air.  
“We don’t really have to talk.” Clarke said. “We only need to decide what to do with Violet.”  
“I’d say we keep her.” Lexa replied, smiling.  
Clarke rolled her eyes. “I agree.”  
“I want us to go slow.” Lexa said, suddenly looking serious. “I want us to go on dates, as if we were just starting.”  
Clarke nodded. “That’s what I want, too.”  
“Violet doesn’t know that we’re separated.” Lexa continued. “She’ll simply see us together more and more and, eventually, we’ll be back together at full force.”  
“We’re lucky she’s little.” Clarke commented. “She didn’t seem bothered by the two of us together, so I guess she’ll get used to it pretty nicely.”  
“As long as it happens gradually.”  
“For sure.” Clarke agreed. “I don’t want to rush into things.”  
“We both need this to happen, but we’ve waited, and we can wait some more.”  
Clarke smiled at her. “Can I kiss you?”  
“Please.”  
It still felt like the first times they had kissed. When it was still something unusual, terrifying, and yet, fulfilling. It still felt like those stolen kisses by the library. When it was still something new, exciting and yet, scary.  
“I feel nineteen again.” Clarke whispered.  
“I never thought I’d get to hold you like this ever again.” Lexa replied.  
Clarke smiled, taking a step backwards. “You got to ask me about Mason when we were still in the hospital. What about you? Have you been on dates?”  
Lexa grinned. “I haven’t.”  
“Oh, come on. I don’t believe you.”  
Lexa closed her eyes. “I tried. I got really drunk one night and thought about going home with a pretty girl I met at the bar.”  
“And?”  
“And she took me home, I was excited, thinking it might take my mind off things, she offered me something to drink and came back wearing lingerie and with two whiskeys in hand.”  
“That sounds like your kind of night.” Clarke pointed out.  
“Too bad I started crying and left a second later.” Lexa admitted.  
Clarke tried hard not to laugh. “Why?”  
Lexa closed her eyes. “I felt like I was cheating on you.”  
“You weren’t, though.”  
“It felt like it.”  
Clarke smiled tenderly at her. “I’m glad you didn’t.”  
“Me too.” Lexa smiled back. “Anyone other than Mason?”  
“I’ve had people ask me out on dates.” Clarke explained. “But it was always a no from me.”  
“It never seemed right.” Clarke whispered. “I don’t know.”  
“I know.”

  
_Clarke looked at her for a moment. “I thought you had decided not to drink anymore after our separation.”_  
 _“I’m not drinking anymore.” Lexa clarified. “It was… Though at first.”_  
 _“It was fun when we were younger, but it’s becoming a problem.”_  
 _Lexa sighed. “What?”_  
 _“You drinking.”_  
 _The brunette rolled her eyes. “Let it go.”_  
 _“Let it go? You have a problem.”_  
 _“I don’t have a problem.” Lexa commented. “It helps me relax at night.”_  
 _The blonde closed her eyes. “You drink every day, it is a problem indeed. You think I don’t notice that you spike your goddamn tea in the morning?”_  
 _“Clarke, just fucking let it go, okay?” She snapped, taking a sip of her whiskey._  
 _“Sure.” Clarke nodded. “I remember dreaming of having an alcoholic as a spouse when I was a child. Also, I’m sure Violet is thrilled about having a mother who’s always drunk.”_  
 _“At least I’m not a bitch.”_

  
“Your sister told me that you kept drinking even after we separated.” Clarke commented.  
“She did?”  
Clarke nodded. “She told me when you stopped as well.”  
“I’m sorry.” Lexa whispered. “I… I’m ashamed of that part of my life.”  
“You shouldn’t be.” Clarke replied. “You had a problem, and changed your life for the better when you realised that it was hurting you and the people around you.”  
“Maybe we wouldn’t have separated if…”  
“No.” Clarke stopped her. “Your drinking problem wasn’t what got us to that point. It was one of the problems we had, but not the only one. You were not the cause of our separation.”  
Lexa took a deep breath. “I did it for myself mainly, because I realised that doing it for other people would make me fail the moment something bad happened. I have to admit that when you told me about Violet having a mother who’s always drunk made me feel sick. I dedicated my first year chip to her, and it’s framed on her wall.”  
“I’m sure she’ll be proud of you when she’s old enough to understand.” Clarke smiled. “I am proud of you.”  
“Thank you, it means a lot.” Lexa whispered. “The truth is that I kept wishing for the two of us to be happy again. I kept imagining a world where we were together and happy, but… It didn’t work out if I was drunk, you know?”

 

 


	12. It’ll Be Alright

“ _Okay, so. Let’s talk about this.”_

_“No, please, no.”_

_“We have to.” Octavia commented. “It’s becoming toxic. You’re hurting yourself.”_

_Raven nodded. “You can’t go on like this.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because keeping all those little things is going to ruin you.” Octavia commented._

_“The ring, Clarke. The picture in your wallet.”_

_“Do you really thing that not having those things on me at all times is going to make me forget her?”_

_Octavia and Raven were both silent for a moment. They were sitting by Octavia’s fireplace, Dean Lewis’ “Be Alright” playing on her phone._

_“I know you love her, but it’s over, mate. It doesn’t matter, put the phone away. It’s never easy to walk away, let her go, it’ll be okay. It’s gonna hurt for a bit of time, so bottoms up, let’s forget tonight. You’ll find another and you’ll be just fine, let her go.”_

_“Not really, no.” Octavia replied. “It might help, though.”_

_Raven nodded. “Not seeing her face every single time you open your wallet might be helpful.”_

_“I don’t care.” Clarke sighed. “I have a tattoo that reminds me of her. A tattoo.”_

_Octavia shrugged. “You could always get it covered up.”_

_“Never.” Clarke said, shaking her head. “I knew it was a stupid idea when I got it. The rule is to avoid getting tattoos for significant others, because relationships can always end, no matter how strong they seem.”_

_“You still got it, though.” Raven whispered._

_“I did and I don’t regret it.” Clarke replied. “And I never will.”_

_“Why?” Octavia asked, looking curious._

_“Because Lexa has been the most important person in my life for twelve years. She is and always will be my child’s mother.” Clarke explained. “She has been my heart’s keeper for so long that I find it hard to think about a time when she wasn’t.”_

Clarke sat next to Anya. “I woke up this morning and sighed as I thought about the long day ahead of me. I grabbed my phone to check my email and saw a message from your sister.”

“What did it say?”

“Good morning.” Clarke smiled. “Lexa used to text me good morning and goodnight every single day while we were dating and it would annoy me to death because she ended every text with a full stop. She’d only write “good morning” and “goodnight”, no matter if she’d been with me all day long, or if we’d been in a fight. She’d always text me first thing in the morning and right before going to bed. She never missed a day, not if she was sick, not if she was mad at me.”

Anya nodded. “I remember.”

“She kept the habit even when we started living together, except that the texts became spoken words and came back only when we were far away from each other.” Clarke explained. “It’s something I missed a lot when we were separated, but I never realized that her good mornings were what made me wake up with a smile.” 

“My sister might be a sap.” Anya commented. “But she married the right person to deal with her bullshit.” 

Clarke grinned. “She really did.” 

“I’m glad you’re working things out.” Anya whispered. “She was… Not Lexa anymore. There’s no other way to put it, because she didn’t really look traditionally sad, or empty, or whatever. She just wasn’t Lexa anymore.”

The younger girl nodded. “Sadly, I know what you mean.”

“I know you do.” Anya replied. “You weren’t yourself either.”

“I never noticed.” Clarke admitted. “It simply felt like I was walking around with a missing limb.”

Anya smiled. “Lexa didn’t notice either. I guess it just kind of happened, you both lost yourselves. Before the separation, that is.”

“We really did.”

“It was hard to watch you both slowly losing the amazing people you were.” Anya commented. “It was like watching a beautiful painting getting slowly destroyed. You’ve always been good for each other, but I guessed you needed some time to figure things out.”

Clarke sighed. “Time to figure out that we’re better together.”

“I honestly believe that you’re both amazing people, even when you’re separated.” Anya said. “The thing is that what ruined you both was the heartbreak. You’re independent, strong women. You were striving before getting together, you were simply even stronger together.”

“You’re absolutely right.” Clarke nodded. “Many people mistook my sadness as in I can’t live without her, but that is absolutely not the case. I can live without her, but I’d rather not. I chose not to. I am choosing not to.”

Anya smiled. “I think this might be the best choice you’ve ever made.”

“I agree.”

 

 

 


	13. Keep Me Closer

“Would you go on a date with me?”

  
Lexa frowned. “A date?”

  
“Yeah, like… I like food, you like food, let’s eat in the same room some time soon.”

  
Lexa smiled, then walked away.

 

“ _Would you go on a date with me?”_  
 _“What?” Clarke asked._  
 _“Yeah, I like food, you like food, let’s eat in the same room some time soon.”_  
 _Clarke looked at her, then walked away._  
 _“What are you doing?” Lexa asked, following her. “You could have said no.”_  
 _Clarke stopped walking. “I have no intention of saying no.”_  
 _“Why did you leave, then?”_  
 _“I wanted to ask you on a date.” Clarke explained. “But you always beat me.”_

 

“Were you planning on asking me on a date?”

  
Lexa smiled. “I was.”

  
“I beat you this time.”

  
“You did.” Lexa whispered. “It took you a very long time, but you beat me.”

  
Clarke smiled. Lexa noticed that there was something off about that smile. It looked weak. She walked closer to her, a concerned look on her face. “What’s wrong?”

  
“Nothing’s wrong.”

  
Lexa raised an eyebrow. “Clarke.”

  
“I’m okay.”

  
“You don’t look okay.”

  
“I’m scared.” Clarke admitted. “I’m so scared I almost feel paralyzed. I get a text from you and my hear skips a beat. I hear your voice and I feel my legs shake. I see your face and I want to cry.”

  
“That’s… Flattering, I guess. Or really bad.” Lexa whispered.

  
“I forgot everything for a moment when you kissed me that night.” Clarke said. “I forgot the pain, the sleepless nights, the tears… I forgot about the nights spent watching over Violet and those spent crying in her bedroom when she was with you. I forgot about our anniversary, when I would wake up, cry in the bathroom and then go about my day.”

  
Lexa nodded. “And now you remembered.”

  
“I remembered, I can feel the pain as if it was happening now.” Clarke whispered. “Waking up without you by my side. Violet talking about you and never noticing that her saying ‘mama’ made me feel like a knife had been plunged in my heart.”

  
“I can’t do anything about that.”

  
“I know you can’t.” Clarke said. “And I don’t want you to do anything about that, because it’s not up to you and I don’t want to forget those moments.”

  
“What’s wrong, then?”

Clarke sighed. “I’m happy, Lexa.”

”Oh.”

”And it scares me.” Clarke continued. 

Lexa was silent for a moment. “I know. I feel the same. I feel happy, but I keep wondering what might happen to take it all away. Again.”

”Do you ever think about having to explain everything to Violet?”

Lexa nodded. “I do. I do feel like we’re different now, though. Like we’ve said before, we know what it feels like to be separated and I’m pretty sure neither of us is going to let that happen.”

”You’re probably right.” Clarke commented. “I guess it’s fair to be scared. That pain still feels fresh, you know?”

The brunette closed her eyes. “It does. But we’re okay.”

Clarke looked at her, then took a step forward. “It’s our time.”

”It’s our time.” Lexa whispered.

The distance between them was minimal. Clarke placed her hand on Lexa’s cheek, barely touching her skin. Lexa closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in. Clarke had suddenly changed expression, going from scared, twitching eyes to tender and loving ones. Her shoulders were more relaxed and even the way she stood had become somehow less tense. When Lexa opened her eyes, Clarke finally closed the few inches that were between them, kissing her softly. They both closed their eyes, finally able to taste that once lost happiness that they were craving.

 

 


End file.
